Todd Kim Larsen

I have been putting this post off for a long time now, but I just have to buck up and do it. Yes, it is written as if it is a journal entry on the 16th for my record, but it has taken me months to be able to write about it.

Friday morning (yesterday) while Tina and I were at the movies with the kids, we got a call from our parents, in California visiting Todd who was currently in the ICU. They had bad news that he was failing fast and probably not going to make it through the night. Tina and I were in shock. He had been here before in his journey through Leukemia, but he always pulled through. This time his body was riddled with infection and failing organs. We dropped everything and packed for our drive to California. Our husbands left work as soon as they could and we raced the clock to make it in time to be with him. The drive out there was the longest 6 hours of my life! Tina and I kept phoning back and forth about the calamity of our situation. I was not going to even think that we might lose him. Not after all he had already endured! I just couldn't let my mind go there.

When we arrived at the hospital sometime around 10 pm, we found the situation to be much worse than we hoped for. Todd had the "bad" Pneumonia, the one you must not get. He was also also on dialysis and in a dialysis bed. That was really something to see! He looked like an astronaut in that bed. He was intubated and in an induced coma as he had been all week long. He was so weak already and seeing his body just not able to keep working, organ by organ was so hard. The kids were not allowed in the ICU, so they had to stay in the car with Joe and Ryan. They finally combined the kids and took turns coming up. We were told Todd could hear us, but not respond, so we all took turns talking to him and singing to him. Then after 6 or so hours as we knew the time was close, we all surrounded him and sang and reminisced. Kelly was beside herself and couldn't be close enough to him. We were with him until his wonderful heart beat for the last time. We were all just in shock. How did it come to this? This was not in our plans! He was supposed to be ok.

After helping Kelly with some necessary details, we went to a nearby hotel to sleep, or try to. It was noon when I awoke. It felt like a bad dream and I wanted so badly to wake up, but I was awake!!!
Brynn drew this for me and gave it to me when I got up. She knew I was hurting and was trying to let me know...



The rest of the weekend is a blur.

Brynn and Jade were so sad and crying all morning. They wanted to see Todd and had so many questions. It was so hard telling them what had happened. They are not used to seeing Mom and Dad so broken. The kids had to get out of the hotel and car. They had been cooped up all night and morning. Joe and Ryan took the kids to the park so that we could have family time with Kelly and start the whole process of his funeral proceedings. A daunting task for us all, especially sweet Kelly. My heart broke for her. I was beside myself, but she, how much worse it was for her!

I will post some photos of the kids taken at the park. I was happy they had time to play and escape the melancholy atmosphere.
It may seem odd to post photos of the kids having fun in this post, but for me it is a marker of a day. A stamp to help me remember, the only photos taken on a weekend that changed who I am, forever.
I am so grateful to Joe for his role as the parent in the events taking place that weekend as I was absent as a mother and a person. I couldn't have done it without him and I know how much he would have liked to be with us and with Kelly.

I miss you Todd, so much! I am glad your body is pain free, and know that you are in a better place, but I miss you. I am so grateful for all you did for me, all your life! I couldn't have asked for a better friend or brother. I know we will be together again and that day can't come soon enough!!!!! I love you!